I am my own worst enemy.

It has been a while since I have written anything, and for the past 2 days, I have felt this more acutely. This being the emotions that stopped me from writing. Procrastination is a symptom, but if I really look deep it is all related to my perception of my own worth. “I have nothing good to say. My writing is shit. No one will read it.” ad infinitum. Negative thought cycles have been a constant hurdle, not just in my writing.

I don’t struggle against it, but instead dig myself deeper into the quicksand. I’m under the surface, but my arms, my body, feels heavy with the sand. I can’t act, can’t reach out for help, or seemingly help myself. My time in moment repeat. I don’t know how long I’ve been telling myself to get up, make a coffee, have a cigarette, eat, get up, make a coffee, eat, have a cigarette. I don’t talk to single person all day. My mind and body have betrayed me. Yet I am my mind and body.

The moment is all there is. The pain that I know right now is better than the pain in the future. I can’t write, can’t start a conversation with a cute man, can’t make that coffee. I blankly stare at my familiar ceiling; sunlight filters from behind curtains across. I do not see, eyes unmoving, body unmoving. What does it matter how long I have been lying here.

Later. Again, unmoving fingers on keyboard. Waves of tension fingertip to eye. Each slow word, letter, strained out, pushed back in, strained out again, until a finger pressed down.

Negative thought cycles are totally illogical. This truth, I understand, but don’t believe. I’m a logical, rational and critical thinker, but my mind is illogical. I know what I have to do that will make me better, well, better at managing my mind. The sharks circle closer and closer. I do nothing.

I was doing so well. It was such an effort.

 

Feeling distressed? Please, see my “getting help now” tab at the top of the page. 

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5 responses to “I am my own worst enemy.

  1. I understand negative thoughts! Have you done any mirror work? It has been helping me. I look into the mirror and say, “I love you. I really really love you.” I already see a boost in my self-esteem. So many people don’t understand what it feels like to feel depressed. To them it’s like being sad, but it’s not.

    Like

    • There are more people out there who have experienced depression than I originally thought. Though each person’s story that I’ve heard is different, and some don’t know how to describe it.

      No, I haven’t tried mirror work. I’m currently developing my mindfulness skill. I am glad that it is helping you. Have you heard of the Wonder Woman power pose theory?

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Well, writing is a skill that I have and what people usually tell me, but as English isn’t my first language so you might have noticed some linguistic and grammatical mistakes in it. apart from that I write in Urdu as well (and have a separate blog). well i can relate to this post too, because, despite being creative and imaginative, if i am going through depression and have negative energy within me, it is almost impossible to write, even to open the laptop and login to WordPress, I have found a solution to this problem, whenever I feel like writing or let say whenever I think on a point (that my mind is usually thinking all the time) I make notes on my phone. that acts as catharsis and sometimes I come up with a great write up. that I can share on blogs later on.

    Rayan.

    Like

    • I also write things on my phone too. But the WordPress app is hard to use on my phone. But I also try to carry my laptop around with me whenever I can.
      Negative thinking is a creativity killer.
      Btw, your english is very good. I would not have known that English wasn’t your 1st language unless you didn’t tell me.

      Like

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