Sitting, white hotel sheets crushed.
A pillow to the side; not for resting, but for holding.
Wait. Alone. Wait for the party to begin.
This bed is too big.
I write this post in the interim period between attending a wedding ceremony and attending the reception.
Today I attended another wedding. I have known the groom my whole life. Before his bride arrived, he was smiling and joking at the church. And when the couple were first announced as husband and wife, they both beamed in such a genuine way, that my heart ached.
I am was overwhelmed with happiness for the two people in front of me. They have found their best friend, and declared that. Though, for me, weddings are always a conflicting experience. On one hand, I have positive emotions for the 2 people, but on the other hand, I feel sadness that I don’t have someone to call my partner in life, and I also feel inferior, because I can’t get married.
LGBTQI rights have come a long way in Australia, but same-sex marriage is still a dream. These feelings of inferiority come from the reminder that my expression of love and intimacy can not be publicly declared to be recognised by the state. My expression of love is not as worthy as theirs. I in no way begrudge others from getting married, but every time I go to a wedding I feel sad.
The story that I created in my head during my teens that my same-sex attraction was wrong, that I am wrong, seems to be subtly reinforced at each wedding. I know that if I wanted to publicly commit to a partner, I can hold a commitment ceremony and have a party (and what a party that would be!), but the absence of recognition by the state (which is representative of the ethos of the wider community) that the definition of my partnership is not the same as theirs, it would feel different.
Some would argue (on both sides) that same-sex relationships are intrinsically different. From the queer perspective, we should not define our relationships by these archaic patriarchal heterosexual bonds. To a point I agree with this. I don’t know yet if I believe in the concept of marriage: of 2 people committing monogamously (usually) for the rest of their lives. Perhaps it is a desire in me to feel equal to my straight peers, but I feel the need for this equal recognition. Which is strange, because emotionally I want this equal recognition, but intellectually, I don’t think I believe in marriage in the first place. That being said though, I fully support the right for same-sex attracted people to choose whether or not they want to get married or not.
Putting politics to one side, I have been single for many moons. Having depression and being queer certainly has contributed to this result. I do feel lonely at weddings, as a lot of singles do, but generally, there aren’t many queer singles (or couples) to commiserate with, and the straight singles are dwindling too. This loneliness, coupled with the reminder that my type of love is wrong, fills me with a subterranean distress; of low self-worth.
I have to steel myself. Come on, get changed. I have to go to the reception. Be happy, smiles, laugh and dance.
I’m really going to get a drink when I get there.
Continued with Part 2 Another Marriage, but Why Aren’t I Happy? or, Heterosexual Privilege in Marriage
bitter.sweet.alive 
Hi there! I understand how you feel about your country’s policy regarding same sex marriage, but I think you should not let this bring you down. A lot of countries are easing up about it step by step and I am sure that others will follow. Hang in there 🙂 and don’t let it get in the way of enjoying your friend’s wedding – they are not the ones who set those stupid rules up!
LikeLike
I have huge respect for those who have lived in times, or in countries in the present, where the attitude to same-sex attraction has/is much worse than my experience. I’m not saying that my society treats LGBTQI people worse than others, just how I feel right now – within my context.
As I said in the post, I definitely don’t begrudge my friends because they get married. I really am so happy for them. But this happiness does not extinguish the stain on my experience of the day.
LikeLike
That’s perfectly understandable, I just wanted to cheer you up 🙂
LikeLike
I can relate to your thinking, but I always tell myself that regardless of the situation in whichever country we live in (and I live in one that despise homosexuals), things will always work themselves out. Shake off all those feelings, they’re only holding you down.
LikeLike
It’s hard sometimes to be so forward thinking. I am at an age where a LOT of my peers are getting married. I try to shake these feelings off, but my mind, with its negative thinking tendencies, tends to let these negative feelings stick.
LikeLike
I can relate to it _________ (i don’t know your name yet), I go through same feeling while attending any wedding, almost all of my friends are married or getting married now, and even my younger bro’s wedding is scheduled later in this month. I have a great family and peer pressure for marriage. and honestly, speaking i also feel alone at times, despite telling me to enjoy solitude, somewhere inside I feel depress and alone. everybody needs a companion, but the problem with me is, I don’t believe in gay relationships that’s more tragic i guess, because in my society it is forbidden but on the other hand gay people are more like bisexuals, they are hypocrite, they do marry for social acceptance and continue their gay sex life with guys. I don’t want such double standard and hypocrite life.
Rayan!
LikeLike
I am saddened that you think that way about same-sex relationships. I acknowledge that I can’t really comprehend what your life is like, and I make no judgements what so ever, but I want to tell you that fulfilling intimate same-sex relationships do exist. It must be so hard to find like minded queer people in your community to connect and talk to, let alone have a relationship.
I really do wish that you are able to find a way to live your authentic life. From what I can see from your writing, you are an empathetic, intelligent and kind person who has the potential to make someone happy.
Tim.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Well Tim, I’m confused and I write for my catharsis and figure out what exactly do I want. Believe me, in our society gay thing revolves around sex only, n eventually people get married n have kids for social acceptance. Gay relationships don’t last because of insecurities, differences and change in priorities. Most of all there is no written agreement so anyone can easily quit.
LikeLike
Rayan, I hear you and I believe you. I don’t know what to say, other than that I wish you happiness and that there is happiness in the wilderness.
LikeLiked by 1 person
WordPress doesn’t work well on mobile. I save my thoughts in mobile Notes. And transfer it to WordPress when get chance.
LikeLike
Hi Tim, this is a moving and sad post. I hope one day you find a way to genuinely reject the socially constructed inferiority imposed on LGBTQI people and hopefully by then our country would have come to its senses. Looking forward to toasting to you at your wedding should you still choose to get married in the future :).
LikeLike
Thanks Helena. Feeling some love here.
Regardless whether or not I get married, there will still be a party. =)
LikeLike
Pingback: Another Marriage, but Why Aren’t I Happy? Part 2, or, Heterosexual Privilege in Marriage | bitter.sweet.alive
Pingback: Is It Really Any Better? | bitter.sweet.alive