There seems to be a small window that I can write. One one side I have am busy and motivated; keeping on top of things and really not looking after myself nor giving myself the space to just be. I don’t really write, or, if I do write, it is only half done with no real conviction (I have 5 unfinished draft posts waiting on the sidelines). On the other side, I just can’t be fucked to do anything, anything at all: not eat, tidy my apartment, not dry the washed clothes in the washing machine, not get out of bed, not WRITE. That is where I am right now.
For the past 6 days, I have been very very busy. Something has always been there to occupy my mind and I had the energy to actually do things. Today, my first day off at home after the 6 busy days, I have totally crashed. My mood was okay when I was busy, but on this day of “rest”, my energy and mood have crashed. My mind overrides my body. I know that my body wants to eat, but I just can’t be arsed and weirdly I don’t feel hungry. It is 5:30pm, and the only things that I have eaten all day are a handful of sultanas and some chocolate (which made me sick). I have something in my freezer that I can heat up in a microwave, but I just can’t be bothered getting off the couch. Even to go outside for a cigarette just seems like such an effort.
Pleasure and basic human needs seem to be put on hold. I don’t seek them out, but rather avoid them. As a chef, one of my passions was food (the making of and eating of) but I’m not eating. I haven’t seen my friends in a while, but I’m isolating, alone in my apartment under the donna. Fuck it’s summer here and I should be at the beach. I did remember to take my meds today (albeit late) so that is a plus. I really have found my meds daily planner helps me remember to take my meds. I even take supplements now too, which always sat next to my meds but I never took.
For a while now, I’ve been thinking, is it really any better? I have an unfinished post about my thoughts, but it is relevant now too. It is so hard to step back and look at my life over a longer period of time to see if my overall quality of life is better. On the plus side, suicidal ideation and negative thought spirals have decreased. But is it my perfectionism retarding my recovery, in so I put myself down thinking that I know that I could be doing more to be mentally healthy: more exercise, more regular eating, socialising.
I just want to sleep more. My brain is this grey fog. Fingers heavy on the keyboard, pushing out hard simple thoughts that don’t make sense. Come on, it’s only 8 steps to the microwave.
Continued with Energy Crash Part 2