Ranting uncovers my insecurities

Ranting can be cathartic. I think people who journal or write know this well. I read somewhere that stream of consciousness writing has been proven through studies as an effective tool for people experiencing a mood disorder. But it’s hard for people supporting someone with <insert disorder> to cope through a rant. In my life, they just don’t know what to do.

A close friend got an eyeful tonight. Circumstances triggered my insecurities. This friend has more than enough to try to cope with, and I feel selfish to send the email. But I did and now I’ve posted it here. I am going to write more for this blog: it is evident that I need to.

Hi.

I felt like I needed to share this article with you. But I don’t know if I’m sharing this for my own reasons, or for you. Typing this email, I’m reminded of when I spoke to my supervisor about self disclosure. She asked me to reflect on the intention of the self disclosure, is it for me, or for the other person. Does the desire to share come from a place to validate my own experience/feelings, or is this really about a positive impact for the other person?
I probably over think this kind of shit. I think we talked about this earlier today, but I have come to judge myself for being negative, or, for talking about my sadness or pain. I feel that to maintain relationships, I have to either self censor my emotions, or, put on a brave face. I have experienced people close to me drift away or look uncomfortable when I talk about what goes on in my head.
And I really do admire how you are changing right now. Your focus on gratefulness is a perspective I’ve not been able to maintain. And I don’t, for not even one second, want to disrupt your positive reframing of your perspective. This strategy seems right for you at this time. You’re a kinder person, you draw strength from spirituality and you see goodness in people, even if you sometimes don’t see it in yourself.
I’m going off track, my main point is: we each find our own way to go on, to cope, to deal and to live. As a friend, I want to share a part of my journey with you, but I am afraid that this is not what is good for you. But the weird thing is, I actually see this stuff as positive, and I have drawn strength from it, even though when I watched the Human Rights Campaign speech, I cried with so much sorrow, but there was relief that someone else has experienced pain like mine, and got through it … got through it and was stronger.
Fuck it, I’m going to share. You can choose whether to read/watch this. It may seem a lie, but there is no pressure from me for you to read/watch this. The act of sharing is enough for me, similar to when I wrote my blog, I don’t need a reply. And I’m not looking for validation (I think), so I won’t hold it against you if you don’t watch it. Though my hope is that, if you do read/watch it, you see some of the strength in Wentworth Miller’s story, and that you see that you have that strength too.
1st article criticising how superficial the gay male community can sometimes be
2nd article: Wentworth Miller’s response to the fat-shaming
The video of his speech that I saw about 2-3 years ago, when I was really low
Thank you for being a friend.
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